TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of location. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Sure, certain, let's have another location the place American Adult men can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: offer you Absolutely everyone a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Place, a function getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting consideration from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD might have transform-down service."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has Trump Tower Damascus gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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